22 Mar

Hi! This is my first foray into the blogging thing. I’ve heard if you write everything down and put it out there, that it helps with healing. Seeing that I feel like I’ m on a sinking ship by myself with no paddle, lifeboat or anything, healing is needed.

To start off, I am a 41 year old woman. I am nearing the 300 lb mark. I live at home with my mother (who deserves her own section and trust me she will get it). My Dad died in 2011 from complications from a bone marrow transplant. Crazy, he BEAT the leukemia, was cancer free the day he died.

This will be a journal of sorts. Sometimes I’ll write every day sometimes not for weeks.

I’m tired of not being a normal functional adult with their own life. And here’s the kicker, I won’t have that until my mother is gone. And she’s the type who will be sick forever and just won’t die. This woman has always had one thing or another wrong with her for as long as I can remember. AND I’m an only child so her burden is all on my shoulders. I’m emotionally crippled. Been battling clinical depression with and without meds for most of my life. I struggle with suicidal thoughts every single day of my life.I’m a hoarder, mostly clothes but didn’t know it had a name until I saw the show. My bedroom has chest high piles of clothes and boxes and junk. I take my life in hands every time I go in there. I’m unemployed, been that way for quite sometime. I’m beginning to understand that I need help and lots of it. I HAVE DREAMS. I want to have a healthy loving relationship with someone. I want someone who gets me, and has the patience for me to open up. I am way too guarded and silent. Most of the men I date usually turn out to be married or in a relationship. I need to feel love, I need to have someone who will be my shoulder and vice versa. I want to change. To be a better person for lack of a fancier way of putting it. I want to be rid of all this rage inside me, it’s consuming. I’m stopping for now.


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